Death, dying, mortality, end of life — all of these words trigger a spark of anxiety in most of us.
Devaunshi Mehta (36) and Zena Yarde (30), two counselling psychologists from Mumbai who work in the field of palliative care, have set out to normalise the conversations around death and in the process remind people to lead better lives. The forum, Talking Death, has so far held two sessions in the city to ponder on the finality of life over tea and cake with homemakers, students and healthcare professionals.
“Death is an important aspect of our lives, but talking about it is still culturally questionable. Our social structures make it unacceptable to discuss death,” said a 54-year-old palliative care physician, who was one of the six participants of the Talking Death session held recently. Despite being in a profession where he has to witness death often, the doctor said he is still unprepared to cope with the loss of a loved one. “I could not get myself to tell even my wife that I was attending a forum like this,” he said.
Another participant, a 38-year-old homemaker, said the fear of losing her ageing mother haunts her. “At home, I rarely find myself in an environment where I can discuss my inner fears. For my husband, death is death and there is no need to have a conversation around it. But it’s different for me,” said the mother of two, who lost her father when she was 21. “I cannot imagine losing another parent.”
Talking Death is inspired by Jon Underwood’s Death Café, where people gather to drink tea, eat cake and discuss death. Death Café’s objective is simple: ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’. Now a global movement, as many as 9,040 Death Cafés have been organised in over 65 countries since September 2011. Death Café itself is based on a concept called Café Mortel started by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz.
While Talking Death’s first session in May had seven participants, all women, the gathering on August 17 saw six registrations. “The idea is to simply create a safe space where one can talk about death and express the fear and anxiety they are constantly grappling with,” said Ms. Mehta, who lays importance on confidentiality. While the conversations are not forcefully steered, the focus is more on what each participant brings to the table. But there is a rider: at no point can the discussion turn into a grief counselling session.
Breaking barriers
Ms. Yarde said death is essentially coming to terms with pain and suffering. “This becomes a barrier in asking questions or imagining about death. With Talking Death, we encourage people to move beyond that barrier, to ask a question and see where it takes them,” she said.
The duo initially planned to host a Death Café, but the non-profit’s main clause is that participants cannot be charged money. For Talking Death, participants paid a registration fee of ₹300 in the first session and ₹500 in the second session to cover the cost of the cake, tea and some reading material.
Some experts from the field say that Indians don’t look at death like westerners. Dr. Nagraj Huilgol, president of the Society for the Right To Die With Dignity, said contrary to popular perception, Indians look at death in a less neurotic manner than westerners. He said, “Our approach is more rational. It could be because we subconsciously believe in a cyclical life.”
