One unique problem you might face from Uncles, especially if you are a child, is that they feel entitled to complete knowledge about your professional future—regardless of the fact that you might be living in a country that offers you none.
Last week, we had a visit from a distant relative who considers himself a success story because his two sons are comfortably ‘settled’ in the U.S. and both are blessed with multiple ‘issues’ within a few years of marriage.
Having never met Kattabomman before and keen to make his acquaintance, he decided to interview him at the dining table.
“So, young man, what are your future plans?”
Katta’s head was buried — literally and otherwise — in Azkaban. Barely aware of the food on his plate, he was in no mood for conversation.
“Katta, answer Uncle’s question, and put that book away,” Wife said. “How many times have I told you, no books at the dinner table?”
“Zero times,” Katta said without looking up. “You said ‘no screens’ at the dinner table. You said nothing about books.”
“A book,” I said, snatching the Harry Potter from under his nose, “is nothing but an offline version of a screen. Now talk to Uncle. He’s come all the way to see us.”
“What I should talk?” Katta muttered.
“He asked you what you want to be when you grow up. That’s such an interesting question!” Wife said, her fake interest so obviously fake that Katta made a face, as if to say, “Seriously?”
“I want to be an environmentalist,” he said, finally.
“What?!”
“Oh no!”
“Environmentalist?” Uncle ji sighed. “That’s so unfortunate.”
“Why environmentalist?” all three of us asked him in unison.
“Because environmentalists take care of the environment,” Katta said. “Our environment is polluted, our forests are getting destroyed, our planet is dying. I want to protect them.”
“From this year they’ve started teaching environmental sciences in his school,” Wife said, an apologetic look on her face.
“Yes, that explains it,” I added. “He’ll be fine once he gets used to it.”
“It’s all very well to want to protect the environment,” Uncle ji said, addressing Katta directly. “Have your parents explained to you what happens to environmentalists in this country?”
“Don’t worry,” I interjected. “We will convince him to become an environmentalist in America. In fact, there is no country which doesn’t have environments in need of protection.”
“No way,” Wife said, seizing the opportunity to contradict me in public. “There is no country where environmentalists are safe. There is no future in environment. He has to pursue another line.”
“Environmentalist is out. What is your second option?” Uncle ji asked him.
“Maybe I’ll join the army,” he said.
“Why?” I said. “Do you know what you have to do as a soldier?”
“I will drive a tank,” he said. “I will spend my whole day driving a tank.”
“Do you know how hot it gets inside a tank?” Uncle ji said.
“I will turn on the tank ka AC,” Katta said.
“Tanks don’t have AC,” I explained.
“They don’t?” Katta clearly hadn’t thought this through. “Then I will open the windows.”
“Tanks don’t have windows either,” I said.
“Serving the country by joining the army is not a bad idea,” Uncle ji said. “So patriotic!”
“Uncle, what are you saying,” Wife said. “NRIs like your sons who are serving Silicon Valley in America are the biggest patriots.”
“Let’s not compare different kinds of patriotism,” I said, nipping a potential geopolitical conflict in the bud. “At the end of the day, Katta, you will basically boil inside a tank like a potato in a pressure cooker.”
Katta’s face fell. “Then I won’t join the army.”
“Army is also out. Have you thought of anything else?” Uncle ji wouldn’t let go.
“He is only eight,” Wife said. “There is enough time. He will think of something.”
“I will become a businessman then,” Katta said.
Wife and I looked at each other in shock. We don’t have a single ‘businessman’ in our entire extended family. How did this idea enter his head?
“Why businessman?” Uncle ji asked.
“Businessmen make a lot of money,” Katta explained. “I want to become a billionaire so that I’m free to do what I want.”
“Not bad,” Uncle ji said. “India needs more entrepreneurs.”
“Businessmen are at least safer than environmentalists and soldiers at the border,” I said.
“Not all businessmen,” Wife pointed out.
“So what will you do,” Uncle ji persisted, “once you’re so rich that you no longer have to work?”
“Read Harry Potter,” Katta said, snatching the book back from my grasp.
The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, ‘The Hindu’.
sampath.g@thehindu.co.in
Published - November 07, 2024 12:54 pm IST
